Current weight: 284.6 lbs,
Total weight loss: 21.2 lbs.
I woke up this morning feeling bloated, big and discouraged. Not a good combination – trust me.
Yesterday, on Day 59 of my wellness endeavor, I had a big food binge off program (sigh). Unfortunately, it was the type of day that would end previous health and wellness efforts. It was the second time I diverged from my current challenge, but it was much more significant.
A Big Binge (Agh)
It all started late yesterday morning.
I wasn’t at all hungry, but I was a little bit stressed at work. Of course having a little work stress isn’t unusual, and I’ve certainly experienced it during these past 60 days.
So I’m not sure what was different. I started thinking about wanting to eat — but to eat the “delicious” foods that I usually crave: toasted bread with butter, ice cream, chips, pizza. And once I had the thought to eat, it persisted in my mind until I decided to give in to it.
The internal dialogue, which I’ve had so many times before, went something like this:
My Internal Dialogue (aka My Bizarre Brain…)
“I’m sick of doing this. I feel like eating.”
“But I’m not actually hungry. Why this urge to eat?”
“I don’t know, but I know that I just want to be able to eat today. Right now, and whatever I want. I can go back on program tomorrow.”
“Well maybe I should try to eat something healthier? That may fill whatever urge I may be having? Like maybe some chocolate with fruit? Or yogurt and berries? Or nuts?”
“Nope, not in the mood for that. And besides, if I don’t stick to the exact plan I had for today, I may as well just eat what I want, enjoy myself and just start again tomorrow. In fact, if I do this, I’ll be really ready to go tomorrow. I’ll be so excited and motivated – I’ll do everything perfectly! But starting tomorrow…”
“But I’ve already been doing this for 2 months with excitement and motivation, and have had a lot of success. I’ve lost weight and more importantly – I’m healthier! The food I want to eat now will only make me fake happy. And even that won’t last long. I’ll lose control and will definitely regret it.“
“I know all of that. But right now I really don’t care.”
“Do I care about my health? My future? The big dreams I have for my life?”
“Of course. But that will all work itself out. And how much different can one day make, anyway? I can just start again tomorrow.”
“(Sigh)…How many times have I been in this situation in the past? And had the same, bad outcome?”
“More than I care to count. But I’m sick of doing this. I feel like eating.”
“Ok. I guess I can start again tomorrow.”
I know this dialogue seems silly. But I do have similar internal conversations around food and the choices I make (like an angel and devil sitting on my shoulders??). There always seems to be an active decision on my part. And once the decision is made, there is no going back.
Like so many times in my past, yesterday I granted myself permission to eat whatever I want for the rest of the day. And to not worry about the consequences. I may as well take advantage of it, get it out of my system, since this will definitely be the last time. I can always start again tomorrow. There is always tomorrow, right?.
One positive from yesterday — if there is one — was that I decided to keep track of everything I ate. I had never done that before during a big binge. At least this way, I would know exactly what I ate and could hold myself accountable.
So late yesterday morning, my internal dialogue left me with the decision to eat whatever I wanted. I started by eating the collection of office Halloween candy that had accumulated in my desk drawer.
Yup – I had 12 pieces of Halloween candy. In about 3 minutes. At 11 in the morning. (Wow…not good on so many levels.)
The Damage
By the end of the day yesterday, my grand totals were:
- 3,536 kcal
- 334 grams of carbohydrates
- 402 grams of fat (yikes!) which was 45% of total calories
And the food I ate:
- 12 pieces of Halloween candy (all I had in my desk drawer, or else it would have been more)
- Grilled cheese with fries
- Bag of potato chips
- Fig snack bar
- Cheeseburger and fries
- Beef fajita with vegetables
- Piece of cheesecake
I see this written down and realize it’s unhealthy. Not just because of the individual choices and the quantity, but also because of my overall relationship with food. And although not all overweight people have similar problems with food, I suspect that there are many who do.
Consequences & Today’s Choices
So…I woke up to a higher number on the scale this morning. Interestingly, the daily scale fluctuations aren’t affecting me as much as before, which I think is a good thing. This may be because I see my weight fluctuate with the fasting regimen, but the overall trend has been down.
My urine ketones were also negative for the first time since starting this challenge. This is a bit of a bummer since it means I’m no longer in nutritional ketosis and not burning my fat for fuel. Hopefully it won’t take me too long to get back into this.
And even though I started today feeling bloated, big and discouraged, I also realized today is a new day. A new day with new choices to be made, and ones that I won’t put off until tomorrow.
Because at some point, I will run out of tomorrows.
Day #60:
Current weight: 284.6 lbs
Total weight loss: 21.2 lbs
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